Parenting With Partners

Forward:
There are many different types of families in the world. One type of family consists of a biological parent who is now coupled with a same-sex partner and together they now parent one or more children.

Although any step-parenting situation will share issues and concerns such as those discussed in this article, the focus here will be on the culture and specific needs of a gay two-parent household.

This discussion will reflect the personal experiences I have had as a father of two. I'm going to discuss the differences and circumstances of being either a biological or stepparent - but I don't suggest my ideas are the only valid ones. I am in a position to have both experience and opinion and wish to offer it here for your review and consideration. Every parenting situation is unique, and you will need to draw your own conclusions from this presentation.

Two Kinds of People in the Parenting World

Raising children with a non-biological step-parent can be a difficult road to take.  There are more difficult challenges in life, but there are big changes, decisions and plenty of compromises ahead that will require tact, discipline and above all else, a lot of love and understanding.

Not that we have much choice in some matters…we are not given a choice about whether we will fall in love, when that will happen or even who it is we will love. These things seem to happen on their own inexplicable schedule. But the difficulties that may arise when we fall in love and are already parents are definitely real. The process of melding parenting styles, implementing ongoing solutions and the smoothness of the parenting is a slow and ever evolving journey of discovery and adaptation.

To me, it seems like there are two kinds of people out there:
1) parents
2) non-parents

Parents understand much about raising children and have some understanding of the constant challenges, compromises and adjustments to be made each and every day. They learn this from experience.

Non-parents are used to set patterns, expected results and routines that don't constantly change.

Yes, I know I’m making sweeping collective statements here. There are certainly exceptions to every rule and concept that I will present. I am only trying to present ideas…and need a format for discussion. So please bear with me!

Parents are usually willing to sacrifice their time, energy, resources and just about anything else required to nurture, enhance or even entertain their children. There are many reasons why this behavior occurs and I believe it is basically an expression of love.

Non-parents are willing to do those same things for their chosen partner but they limit those activities to that "one special person." This is natural, as they may not have ever thought of becoming parents or had any preparation in becoming stepparents. Sometimes, the transition into parenting crowds the issue, as children can't also be the "one special person."

Non-parents may need extra time to incorporate additional people into this preferred-person status. After all, the children brought into this new relationship are essentially pigging-backing onto the scene and are pretty much “brought along for the ride.”

Non-parents fall in love with individuals first. They may or may not “fall in love” with parenting or children. To expect that they will is perhaps presumptuous, but as parents, it is often difficult to understand why anyone would not love our children just as naturally as we do. We forget that we are biased, experienced and already committed to childrearing.

Parents build on their parenting skills and coping mechanisms over a period of time. They usually have the children in their daily lives since birth and there's a lot of history.

Non-parents come into the picture later. They missed a lot of the formative and bonding years, and they don't have the genetic connection that biological parents do.

Parents are emotionally connected to their children. They're pre-wired for accommodation, unconditional love and forgiveness. The disciplinarian aspects of parenting may now challenge some divorced/separated custodial parents. Even though they may not have had any difficulty in that arena before, there are now new emotional issues to recognize and wrestle with since their divorce or separation.  Complex feelings and the need to consider the children’s emotional status and future needs are all part of the new emotional landscape. Although these same parents fully recognize the need for consistency in their roles as parents and role models, they may now begin to second-guess their actions, decisions and former patterns.

In this unsettled environment, the children can sometimes take advantage of parents and “get away” with a lot of monkeyshines.

Non-parents initially treat stepchildren more like they do the rest of the world. They hold them to a higher standard and expect them to be accountable for their actions. I’m not suggesting that this isn’t appropriate, but I realize that the biological parent may not always see the value of this expectation. At the very least, they may interpret this approach as less “caring” and less “parent-like.”  If children try or succeed in taking advantage of a parent who is somewhat off-balance, the protective and less emotionally attached stepparent will probably notice and react by encouraging responsible behavior by all concerned parties.

Unfortunately, many parents deal with issues of guilt over their failed marriages and relationships. Not only have they ended a relationship, but they may have also “come out” as a gay individual and go through both internal and external processes of change. Their former husbands and/or wives may or may not have been supportive. Chances are, this isn’t going to be an easy or pleasant time in their lives.

Non-parents probably also had to “come out” at some time, so there is certainly common ground here. However, they probably didn’t have to be concerned about innocent and potentially unwilling participants being dragged through the process with them.

Society at large isn’t particularly helpful when relationships end. There are mixed messages everywhere. On one hand, society insists that marriage and stability of the family are of paramount importance and on the other hand, statistics almost proudly announce that one out of two marriages end in divorce.  One friend will condemn the decision to separate while another will commend you for “following your heart.” If religion is a big part of the individual’s life, then matters can be even more complex.

Society has a very long way to go in supporting gay and Lesbian people in general. When the gay/Lesbian individual is also a parent, matters sometimes get scrutinized even more. Societal judgments can be intrusive and even punishing, especially after divorce proceedings and the actions of the court system. In any case, this is usually a time of difficult transition, and society does little to ease the difficulties of the journey.

Some parents carry these societal and internal pressures over into their parenting and lose some ground due to their desire to be accommodating and heap less turmoil on the children. This is, in my opinion, a natural reaction. Everyone recognizes that the children are the innocent participants in divorce and separations. However, parents may be reticent to continue their previous parenting styles in favor of a more laissez-faire approach in order to give children time to adjust to the new order of things. This sounds fine, and in general, may even be a good short-term plan. I think the only danger here is when the new approach sticks and becomes permanent.
 
Generally speaking, I think parents choose to let their kids off the hook easier than non-parents do. I also think they look for the "life lesson" that might be learned from the situation at hand while the non-parents look for equity across the board.

So, who’s RIGHT, anyway?

Bad question, right? I doubt that there is one "total correct approach” to parenting and although there are differences in the way parents and non-parents interact with children, I suspect there is great value in a consolidated method.

I think there's a really terrific balance to be had in partnering with a non-parent. It may even have some unexpected advantages since it brings together the best of “both worlds. “

Non-parents can be very protective of their partners. They chose them as their “special person” so it is easy to understand that they want the best for their loved one. They recognize that children sometimes take advantage of parents and want to reduce their partner’s stress and suffering when they are able.  Non-parents hold children to that higher standard and there's real value in being held accountable.

Here’s an idea to consider: children learn compassion and compromise from parents and responsibility and social norms from the non-parents!

Again, please allow me to assign these collective parenting attributes to “parents and non-parents.” I fully acknowledge the possibility that single parents, heterosexual couples and other non-traditional parenting partners all have the same capacity for successful parenting. This is a specific discussion designed to educate and present material relevant to a specific parenting couple, the same-sex parenting duo. One more caveat, I further concede that some biological parents have complete parenting skills. This article should not be misconstrued to present the concept that it takes two people to succeed at parenting.

OK, but what a long hard road it’s been!

Whenever two people differ on parenting issues - it can be a touchy subject.
Parents feel ownership and elite status in the two-person parenting dynamic. Non-parents have the opposite situation, of course. They're "less" of a parent because they're not biologically connected, and they have less experience in general.

What helps?
1) (the obvious) Communication!
2) (the not so obvious) Acceptance!

Communication:
Parents and non-parents have to talk about parenting issues.
Acknowledge the differences in parenting concerns and approaches to solutions.
Discuss feelings. Often.
Set guidelines but allow for flexibility.
Find the common ground.
Stick to plans made and present a united front.

Acceptance:
Parents have to let the non-parents “in” and give them equal rights and power to be the best parents possible. Non-parents have to let parents nurture in the ways that the non-parents are not comfortable with providing or are unequipped to provide.

Recognize that everyone has strengths and those strengths should be valued and used to the best advantage.

Another aspect of acceptance is that non-parents should be given choice in the level of parenting in which they will participate. Non-parents should not be forced into being something they may not want to be. In our society, it is considered “wrong” to not want to be a parent. Try to open your mind to the concept that not all people wish to experience parenthood. In my opinion, knowing that you do not want to be a parent is healthy and should be considered a viable option. It is hardly necessary for every person on the planet to reproduce.

Both parents and non-parents have valuable assets and gifts to bring to the process of raising children. Seeing the differences isn't as helpful as seeing the richness in diversity.

Personal Observations

In hindsight, I wish that I’d told my same-sex partner a lot more of how I felt during child raising discussions/issues in the past.

I usually stuck to my guns and plowed through matters with my usual bag of parenting tricks and didn't really let him blunder all that much.
I'd already “been there” and made the mistakes I thought he'd be making, so I didn't see the value in letting him and the child in question go through the process together. After all, someone was probably going to get hurt (my perception) and why not circumvent pain and suffering if at all possible?

Now, I believe that short-circuiting those naturally occurring learning experiences caused problems that could have been avoided. It would have been more beneficial to allow my partner and the child in question to have developed a relationship naturally through shared experiences. My participation in every interaction was not needed or even advantageous.  I may have relied to heavily on the patterns set within the environment of the first parenting partnership. It is sometimes difficult to recognize that you are in uncharted waters until you hit a reef! Also, it is easier to rely on past problem-solving techniques and approaches than to chart a brand new course.

How much easier it would have been for me if I had occasionally “stepped aside.” Unfortunately, I didn't think it was appropriate. I thought I had to be a "super-parent" and constantly on guard for anything that might affect my children negatively. Unfortunately, even the interactions between my children and my “equal” partner weren't excused from my protective attention.

Where do we go from here?

It is difficult to raise children. As mentioned earlier, society expects us all to want this job, and then further expects us to be good at it to boot! As gay parents, we get further mixed messages from society. I’ll leave those issues to another discussion entirely.

Parenting, in any form, doesn’t come with a manual. It is something we experience and guide gently with love, compassion and an occasional bump in the road. It is often easier to do something difficult with help from another person. Two parent families certainly have some advantages. Every parent will bring their strengths, values, experience and love to the family. Shared responsibility lightens the load and facilitates success in almost any venture.

Communication is an essential component to successful parenting. My partner often jokingly states that we communicate too much. But is that really possible? I’m not talking about crowding the other individual or over-emphasizing one person’s opinion, but generally speaking, you can’t communicate too much. We need reminders that we are not alone. There is help and options available if we avail ourselves of the opportunities that the other parent brings to the table.

Express yourself.

We’ve all seen the “Celebrate Diversity” bumper stickers. Recognize and celebrate the diversity between you and your partner. Look for that common ground and allow for occasional differences. There’s more than one way to “get there.” Be reminded of options and choice often. Open your heart and mind to love and acceptance instead of individual need and concern.

All parents need to be strong individuals who can be role models for their children, but compromise and cooperation between parents can be assets to this presentation of strength. It is unrealistic to emphasize individuality over successful interpersonal interactions with other people. We simply do not live alone in the world.

Remember that the development and well being of the children is what parenting is all about. Focusing on their needs can be the unifying force of successful parenting.

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